Meryl Streep looked like a misshapen Ferrero Rocher chocolate.
Thank God the Oscars are over for another year. Now we can all get back to talking about the important stuff, like who’ll be the next England football captain. The good news was that The Artist picked up five Oscars on Sunday, and Meryl Streep gave us Brits a shot in the arm by making Mrs Thatcher a winner again. But judging by this morning’s front pages, the real story of the 84th Academy Awards was Angelina Jolie and her overexposed right leg.
Yes, with literally hundreds of overdressed and underfed actresses thronging the red carpet in LA, it was the female half of Brangelina who once again managed to hog the limelight. It was almost enough to make me forget about Meryl Streep’s latest fashion faux pas — that hideous eco-friendly gold Lanvin dress. According to Sky News, Streep’s frock “resembled the statuette she ended up taking home”. Wrong. The truth is she looked more like a misshapen Ferrero Rocher chocolate. As someone (I forget who it was) waspishly remarked on BBC Breakfast, “There’s a reason that tailoring was invented.” Miaow!
But let’s get back to Angelina, who wasn’t nominated for best actress but demonstrated that she can out-vamp anyone, anywhere, at any time. She may have giant lips and a limited range of facial expressions, but who cares. The photogenic qualities of those acres of toned thigh have already gained @AngiesRightLeg almost 35,000 followers on Twitter. I realise that doesn’t mean a lot, because many Twitter users are so thick that they’d probably follow their own right leg if it wasn’t actually attached to them. There were some good lines, though, with @theprojecttv summing it up: “Don’t knock Angelina’s leg, it won Best Supporting Actress.”
I often feel out of step with popular culture these days. After sitting in my sister’s car and listening to Adele for 90 minutes, I feel like slashing my wrists or even ramming the offending CD down my own throat. I used to have the same warm feelings about the music of Will Young and Dido (“Dildo” as I affectionately christened her), while the execrable Twilight movies make me fear for the future of mankind.
Many Twitter users are so thick that they’d probably follow their own right leg if it wasn’t actually attached to them.
The phenomenon that is Brangelina, though, brings me to a whole new level of stunned incomprehension. Seriously, if Brad “Monkey Boy” Pitt and creepy looking Angelina Jolie are the most fabulously glamorous, gorgeous and incandescently sexy couple on the planet, then I really need glasses.
I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but these two smug, preening idiots make the Beckhams and TomKat (that’s diminutive Tom Cruise and his latest brainwashed spouse, Katie Holmes) look as though they’re not really trying.
I’ve also (belatedly) realised that I’ve spent far too many blogging hours worrying about offending people with my opinions. I’ve tied myself up in verbal knots trying to find ways to be rude — but not too rude. So I’ll just come right out and say that I don’t like Brad and Angelina, or their oddly named and ever-expanding brood, or most of their films. The fact that Versace-clad fembot Angelina was, once again, able to get her leg over most of the world’s editors is deeply depressing.
To cheer myself up, I offer you a glimpse of Hollywood’s greatest couple, Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. Real glamour, genuine class and an indefinable magic. Here’s looking at you.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9Ay727EYzw&w=420&h=315]
February 28, 2012 at 11:26 pm
I’m a Yankee, not a Brit, and I agree with you vis a vis what shall come to be known as “the right leg incident.” Frankly, I was aghast at how bony and shriveled Angelina Jolie looked. When she was in movies like Lara Croft or Mr. and Mrs. Smith she looked robust and healthy, like a young woman in her prime. Now she looks, I hate to say this, but … sickly.
The fact that the fashionistas were fawning all over her and saying how gorgeous she looked, I don’t know, somebody should give that girl a croissant or two, she needs it.
February 29, 2012 at 10:17 am
Perhaps she could start with a couple of steaks. As you say, cosying up to “Beefcake Brad” isn’t enough to keep a working mom going! As for those fashionistas, they’re a bunch of parasites. Someone should put them under the spotlight, so they’d know what it feels like to be ruthlessly dissected.
February 29, 2012 at 2:31 pm
Here here!
You know, the more I think about it, when I look at that picture of her leg, and that knobby ankle just crying out for a piece of bread, or a bit of sausage or something… it really makes me sad.
February 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm
You’ll have me crying into my keyboard. Shall we start a “Feed Angelina” fund (or at least a Facebook page)? It’s a worthy cause.
February 29, 2012 at 3:42 pm
Yes, please let’s start a fund to buy that girl a bag of crisps immediately….
February 29, 2012 at 1:20 pm
You DON’T like Brangelina?!?! BURN THE WITCH, BURN THE WITCH!!!! 😉
I followed the leg on twitter, but it hasn’t been as funny or entertaining as I’d hoped. Didn’t watch the ceremony (whole other hate-laden rant!) but didn’t understand the need for that ridiculous, multi-pose. Just made her look a bit like a tart / attention whore. Fair enough she’s been quieter than usual lately, but thought someone that famous would be above looking like a tool for a bit of publicity.
February 29, 2012 at 2:30 pm
I thought Ange was way more interesting when she was married to Billy Bob Thornton and wearing a vial of his blood round her neck. Brangelina? More like Blandgelina. Please save the hate-filled rant for someone who really deserves it — namely that tosser David Cameron.